My Perfect Cousin

Now, I’ve got a cousin called Kevin
He’s sure to go to heaven
Always spotless, clean and neat
As smooth as you’ll get ’em

He’s got a fur lined sheepskin jacket
My ma said they cost a packet
But she won’t even let me explain
That me and Kevin we’re just not the same

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s his family’s pride and joy
His mother’s little golden boy

He’s got a degree in economics
Maths, physics and bionics
He thinks that I’m a cabbage
’Cause I hate University Challenge

Even at the age of ten
Smart boy Kevin was a smart boy then
He always beat me at Subbuteo
’Cause he “flicked to kick”
And I didn’t know

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s his family’s pride and joy
His mother’s little golden boy

His mother bought him a synthesiser
Got the Human League into advise her
Now he’s making lots of noise
Playing along with the art school boys

Girls try to attract his attention
But what a shame, it’s in vain, total rejection
He will never be left on the shelf
’Cause Kevin, he’s in love with himself

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s his family’s pride and joy
His mother’s little golden boy

Song Notes

“My Perfect Cousin” is a song by The Undertones that appears on their 1980 album Hypnotised. No recorded version of the track by Ash exists, however Tim Wheeler played the song live with Damien O’Neill of The Undertones during at an acoustic gig at the Windmill in London on February 18th, 2005.