This week’s contestants are…
Name: Ash
Occupation: Unfeasibly young and top smart Irish punk pop trio
Specialist subject: Girls from other planets
1. Who was the second man on the moon?
Tim Wheeler: Buzz Aldrin.
Mark Hamilton: But who took the fucking picture of him coming out of the spacecraft?
Rick McMurray: In fact, no one’s been to the moon. It was all a conspiracy, and the moon doesn’t exist. It’s all a farce.
Tim: I think we should win for exposing the whole thing.
Rick: Buzz Aldrin was the second person to pretend to land on the moon. I’m a fucking genius.
2. What does your spleen do?
Rick: Is it a bone?
Kerrang!: No, genius, it is not.
Tim: It releases gastric acid, right?
Mark: That’s two out of 25!
Rick: I’m afraid of my own shadow…
Kerrang!: Of course you are.
3. Name the man who invented LSD.
Rick: He was German, or Swiss. Definitely European. He didn’t think it was that strong, but then he took a bit of it and woke up two days later.
Tim: It was Doctor somebody.
Rick: Was it Doctor No?
Tim: It’s my favourite drug. I have it in the morning with my vitamin pills.
4. Which actor played the fourth Doctor Who?
Rick: That’s an unfair question. We weren’t born then.
Kerrang!: Oh, diddums.
Mark: I didn’t like Doctor Who. I don’t care.
Tim: Doctor Who sucks!
Rick: Exterminate! I’ll take a guess at Kenneth Baker. Oh no, he was the guy who did the news at the same time. I never said Kenneth Baker.
5. What is 12 times 600?
Mark: I can do it. (He leans back and concentrates for five seconds.) 7,200.
6. How high is Mount Everest?
Rick: Very. I don’t deal in figures, I deal in Art. Anyway, Mount Everest is a government conspiracy!
Tim: You want it in feet? We’re metric children.
Mark: It’s about 150,000 metres.
Rick: No, it’s about fucking eight miles high! And I know it. Suits you, sir.
7. Who was the singer in X-Ray Spex?
Tim: Oh no. It’s one of those funny names.
Rick: Like Sir Nicholas Artichoke Wibble-Wibble Wong?
Tim: That’s our answer!
8. Which legendary Washington DC hardcore band did Bad Religion guitarist Brian Baker used to be in?
Rick: Didn’t he manage The Beatles, along with his brothers Tom and Kenneth?
Tim: What was the question again?
9. Which jolly, gap-toothed Scouser used to present TV’s Winner Takes All?
Tim: Jimmy Tarbuck?
Rick: I’m fucking off me tits!
10. How many Nightmare on Elm Street films have there been?
Rick: Too many. One was good, Two was shit, Three was okay, and the rest were shit.
Mark: Does the TV series count? No?
Tim: There’s definitely four or maybe five. We’ll say five.
Rick: And Five was subtitled “Freddy’s Gone, But He’s Just On Holiday And He’ll Be Back Soon”.
11. Which tennis player now has his own range of underwear?
Tim: Andre Agassi? No…
Mark: Boris Becker?
Rick: Calvin Klein?
12. Name the famous spoon-bending psychic?
Mark: Oh, he’s that weird guy, with lots of E’s in his name. He’s Russian, or something.
Rick: His name’s Uri GeIIer.
13. Which planet in our solar system is sometimes referred to as “The Red Planet”?
Tim: Saturn?
Rick: Mars.
Tim: Is it Mars?
Kerrang!: Yes. We know a song about that, don’t we?
Rick: Oh, suits you, sir. I’m not bored of the song yet, just the bass playing on it.
14. What was the dog called in The Wizard of Oz?
Mark: Toto!
Tim: It’s a favourite, too. We’ve watched it on the tour bus.
Rick: No, we haven’t.
Tim: Yes, we have. You were down the fucking other end, watching The Exorcist.
Rick: I AM THE ONE!
15. Where is a woman’s G-spot?
Mark: (Pointing to his groin) It’s just above there.
Tim: Is it not the clitoris?
Rick: Yeah, the clitoris. Let’s have the clitoris!
16. Who directed Bad Taste and Brain Dead?
Mark: I haven’t seen Brain Dead but I’ve felt it.
Tim: He was Australian. Was it Jason Donovan?
Rick: It was that bloke from the Australian school of philosophy. Emmanuel Kant.
17. Name the Greek God of War?
Rick: Thor was the God of Thunder, and he beat the shit out of people.
Tim: He wasn’t even fucking Greek, was he?
Rick: It is Tim Wheeler.
Tim: James Joyce.
Kerrang!: It was Mars.
Tim: You’re just trying to pigeon-hole us as a Mars band!
Rick: It’s another conspiracy.
18. On what date is American Independance Day?
Everybody:: The fourth of July.
Tim: Fucking A!
19. Name Iggy Pop’s band before he went solo?
Rick: The Stooges.
20. What is Iggy’s favourite sport?
Mark: Sex.
Rick: Shitting himself?
Mark: Fucking women?
Tim: Is it golf?
21. Which is better: Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction?
Mark: Personally, I like Pulp Fiction.
Rick: But Reservoir Dogs is more hardcore.
Tim: We’ll say Pulp Fiction. But surely this isn’t a yes or no answer?
22. Explain what the fuck were you thinking when you wrote “Astral Conversations with Toulouse Lautrec” for a point?
Mark: We were recording B-sides for “Girl From Mars”, and our producer didn’t understand what we were doing at all.
Rick: He told us he’d been in the music business for 17 years, and that it just wasn’t good enough.
Mark: We fired him, but before we did, we recorded this totally noisy B-side which we knew he would totally hate.
Rick: The title comes from the Stephen King book Salem’s Lot. Suits me, sir.’
23. Can you spell “Rhinoceros”?
Tim: R-h-i-n-o-c-e-r-o-s.
24. Which is correct: “The yolk of an egg is white”, or “The yolk of an egg are white”?
Tim: The yolk is yellow. That’s fucking hardcore!
25 Which chocolate bar allegedly helps you work, rest and play, if eaten once a day?
Everybody:: Mars. Now fuck off.
Quizmaster: Jason Arnopp
HOW ASH SCORED
l4 out of 25 THE VERDICT
Drummer Rick McMurray’s A’ Levels in History, English and Politics have clearly paid dividends for the plucky young Ash chaps. Whereas numerous bottles of beer and funny-smelling fags have not.