In the pub with Ash

Forget the ‘are you 18’ jokes, they get their ales and talk bollocks just like the grown-ups

Where: Devonshire Arms, North London

Drinkers: Tim Wheeler (Holsten Pils), Rick McMurray (Bailey’s and Ice), Andrew Male (Holsten lager/gin and tonic). RIP (Holsten lager).

Rick: “Do you like my new haircut? Owen Morris (producer of Ash’s forthcoming album) did it in the studio. His first haircut.”

Rick: “There’s this theory that all those popstars from the ’60’s still have their own hair because of all the acid that they did. That there’s some connection with drug abuse and hair loss.”

Tim: “The Beatles, The Stones, it makes sense. I’m convinced.”

Rick: “But what about The Who? Townshend did all the drugs and he’s bald.”

Tim: “Yeah, and Daltrey’s still got all his hair.”

Rick: “Maybe it’s a government conspiracy to keep the truth from us. Maybe Daltrey wears a wig and Townshend wears a skull cap.”

Tim: “Imagine if the truth got out. Sice from The Boo Radleys.”

Tim: “Rob from the Boos is scared of Rick. He say’s he has staring eyes.”

Rick: “Mark (Hamilton, Ash bassist) sends his apologies. He got very drunk on champagne last night and he’s suffering. He’s probably the ideal person for this. When we were in San Diego we got stopped by this real bastard American cop. John was sleeping and we, foolishly, said he was still dozing from all the glue he’d done last night. The cop goes ‘Is that a reference to drug use?’”

Tim: “Mark got out of bed and he had this bottle of water with him and the cop says, ‘I’ll have to apprehend that water as you may use it as a weapon against one of our agents.’”

Rick: “There was this hotel in Japan that presented him with a damages bill for £1,300. He was like ‘What in a hotel room costs £1,300?‘ They said, ‘The wall’. He’d altered the structure of the building.”

Tim: “Sometimes we call him ‘Rabbit’s Foot.’ He’s just the most indestructible guy. I mean, the other day he was complaining about this pain in his hand, and the next thing you know, he’s started jabbing himself in the head with a compass and I was like ‘What are you doing?’ and he goes ‘It’s acupuncture!’”

Rick: “He believes that geese can travel a thousand miles an hour. faster than the speed of sound. Apparently, they fly up beyond the clouds and travel in something called the polar jetstream. Sounds pretty unbelievable.”

Tim: “But what he can’t answer is ’Why geese?‘”

Rick: “But he always makes the equation turn out to be a bizarre answer.”

Tim: “Eh?”

Total Consumed: Thirteen pints of Holsten, 12 Bailey’s and ice, Seven bottles of Pils, two double gin and tonics.

By Andrew Male